My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
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The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Sending in my taxes
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.