My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
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If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Not all heroes wear capes…
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…