My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
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Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
I’m awake but I object,
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Feels
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.