My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
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Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.