My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
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I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*