My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
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Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Safety first
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.