My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
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taking June’s advice to heart
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
the greatest twitter interaction
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit