My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
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My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story