My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
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Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…