My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
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[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like