my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
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They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Sunday
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.