@nicfit75

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.

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@Mike_Bianchi

Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

@EJGomez

any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time

@badbanana

Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.

@Prof_Hinkley

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal

@themorris23

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

@tarashoe

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius

@XplodingUnicorn

When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”

When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”

@jawahomer

Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.

2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.