Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
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any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Are we done? Can we go?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.