My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
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Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.