My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.

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Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.


[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]

Security guard: sir do you have business here?

Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone

SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker


Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.


*cooking omelette for GF*

Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”

Gf: “Sure baby”

*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*


Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”


When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”


Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?


Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.


I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”