@nicfit75

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.

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@TuffyNyC

Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.

@Heatinblack

[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]

Security guard: sir do you have business here?

Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone

SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker

@FlyoverJoel

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

@TheIronSherk

*cooking omelette for GF*

Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”

Gf: “Sure baby”

*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*

@Storminika

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

@ShaneWarne

When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”

@ChefRonSullivan

Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?

@honeybadgerMel

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

@XplodingUnicorn

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”