My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
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No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Lmao
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Not all heroes wear capes…
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.