Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
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“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.