@ColoradoUgly
@AweShadySome Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
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@AweShadySome 
@sacha_is_good “If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
@thedailymarker Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
@WorkingMom86 Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
@CatherineLMK Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
@abbycohenwl Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
@thatdutchperson [about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
@terrip38 How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
@snek__charmer This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
@JanuaryJames One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.