@ColoradoUgly

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

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@AweShadySome

Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..

..

..

..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!

@sacha_is_good

“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.

@thedailymarker

Husband getting dressed:

Me: Purple and green don’t go together.

Husband: It works for the Joker.

Me: My point exactly.

@CatherineLMK

Shaking hands is so weird:

“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”

@abbycohenwl

Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”

@thatdutchperson

[about to message girl he likes]

Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.

Brain: OR

@terrip38

How much more of this can I take?

* piles food on buffet plate *

@snek__charmer

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

@JanuaryJames

One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.