My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
You Might Also Like
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
scrabbled eggs
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”