My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.

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Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.

– No child ever.


[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*


KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind


I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.

Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.


As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”


i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha


I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.


Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.


Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words