My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
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Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
no!! no!!!!!!
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*