My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
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When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!