My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
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[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job