@KellyMeldrum

My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.

You Might Also Like

@OddMarc

I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.

Oh, wait.

That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.

I’m the second most successful guy.

@joshgondelman

If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.

@Dawn_M_

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

@Angibangie

4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.

@juneohara65

Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.

@Gorrdano

Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.

@ilovepie84

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

@timdonakowski

As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.

@skullpuppy11

My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.