My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
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Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.