My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.

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I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.

Oh, wait.

That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.

I’m the second most successful guy.


If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.


If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.


4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.


Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.


Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.


I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.


As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.


My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.