My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
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LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.