My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
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If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
when you are just born a rebel
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.