My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
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I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
A ghost story
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
This one’s “Alex”.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna