My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
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When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Spell check is for lasers.