My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
You Might Also Like
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy