My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
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The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Spring cleaning checklist…
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir