My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
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“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.