My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
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[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
#dalle2
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
💻🤡
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
sigh
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.