My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
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Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
I can’t be the only one 😂
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.