My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
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Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.