My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
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WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
My current situation
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started