My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
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Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.