@HRTSMRT

My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.

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@Gorrdano

I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.

@WilliamAder

A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.

@ObscureGent

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

@QwertyJones3

[during sex]

ME: I’m Italian, how about you?

HER: Finnish

ME: Ok sure just give me a second

@Ygrene

Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow

@Daisyldoo

My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.

@Brentweets

Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.

@ericsshadow

Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?

1996: eww that’s gross

2016: head first without thinking

@PaperWash

cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?

me:

Cashier:

me:

Cashier:

me: sure

@SoulYodeler

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend