I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
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A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend