My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
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well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.