My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
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Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
#Caturday
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Phonetics
A customer told me they were never coming back….
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.