My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
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HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Close call…
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey