My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
You Might Also Like
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.