Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂

Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names

doctor: you’re going to di-

me: disney?

doctor: no

My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.

Before marriage: Kisses

After marriage: Hisses

Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-

*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.

Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.

They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

i actually laughed 😩

It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.

the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.

Y’all ready for this

When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”

(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”

I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him

The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi

So: a needle pulling thread

Thread: a way to stack your tweets

Tweet: the thing I did instead

When they honked at me to go

Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!

Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy

it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks

I found your tweet-up…

For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.

Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”

I hate people who make grandma mistakes.

“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”

*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*

I know what I said.