my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
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him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]