My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
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With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Who says great literature is dead?
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.