My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
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[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it