My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
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Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.