My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
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I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.