My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
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Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
me refusing to leave twitter
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect