My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
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I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.