When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
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If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …
When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?