@simoncholland

My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.

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@clindsaysway

When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.

@mugkip

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.

@UnFitz

Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?

@Whitnuts

CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT

@weinerdog4life

“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”

@GoodZiIIa

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I work with animals

Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun

@daemonic3

[1st date]

HER: I like a guy with good Southern values

ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins

@cdpeck

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

@SteveKoehler22

So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …

When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?

That’s Bullshit.