My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.

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When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.


If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.


Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?




“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”


Me: So what do you do?

Date: I work with animals

Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun


[1st date]

HER: I like a guy with good Southern values

ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins


I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.


So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …

When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?

That’s Bullshit.