My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
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Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore