My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
You Might Also Like
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Why is this me 😫
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.