My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
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Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this