My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
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Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.