Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
You Might Also Like
for all #parents out there
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.