My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.

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Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.


Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.


Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!

Wife: An uncontested divorce


ME: I wish I could fix this problem


ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…


Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.


Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.