My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
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Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.